It's Not a Sin, It's Who I Am

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I had a mini writers' block crisis. What more can be said about the life of a gay ex-Mormon? Anyone…Anyone…(yes, that is a reference to the angst-ridden Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

I was thinking about this the other day and I thought: does my exhalted humble opinion even matter when there are so many people blogging about the exact same thing? What do I have to offer that someone else hasn’t said already - or worse, said better…

That lasted about ten seconds when I realized that if I’m saying the same thing as someone else, then why is my idea somehow less relevant? The beauty of blogging is that so many people are sharing their stories, and yes some are similar, but the more the merrier.

That said y’all are stuck with me at least for a little while longer. (I can hear the enthusiasm from my monitor)

So right now what I want to talk about is the stunning lack of any scriptural doctrine condemning homosexuality in the Mormon Faith. Scripture for Mormons includes: The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

Now the Bible mentions homosexuality, but there is argument over how to interpret this. As I grew up I expected that if I were to read through these other scriptures I would find similar condemnations of homosexuality. This however is not the case.

For those of you who don’t know how Mormonism works you may wonder then why the Mormons seem to be, more than most religions, so unified against gay people. The reason is that the word of the prophet is the word of God. And many of the prophets have spoken on this issue and condemned it as a sin. So even though the scriptures ignore the issue the members of the church are still bound by what the leaders say.

Of all the beliefs in the Church, this is one of those that I have the most hesitancy with. When one man gets to decide the rules for an entire congregation the line gets hazy. He is a spiritual leader, but he is also simply a man. There is no way around it and sometimes I wonder how much of the rules they create are for personal reasons.

The Church has a saying: “Be in the world, but not of the world.”

This maxim, as if this were even possible, encourages members to physically inhabit the earth, but to somehow avoid being truly involved in its goings on. I think this gets in the way of other positive teachings of the Church like charity…or humanity.

Furthermore how can a man, split between these two worlds, make decisions on morality for the people he wants to remain separate from? I love the Mormons that I’ve had the chance to get to know, but as a collective unit…it’s like they’re running a gentleman’s club and Joseph Smith himself might not even get in anymore.

Simply put, they seem to be making they’re own rules. As I said there’s no mention of homosexuality in Mormon doctrine and the foundation for homosexuality as a sin in the Bible is shaky at best, yet that is their stance. But then it’s not like we do follow all the Levitical Laws, which are explicitly stated. (Not that I’m complaining…I like shaving, thank you very much). So why is this an issue for the Church?

When I said I wonder if I would run back to the Church if they opened the doors for its gay members, I still don’t have an answer. But it seems at this rate it’s a reality I won’t face, which is sad. I remember singing all the primary hymns as a kid and meeting some truly great people. But I’ve had to go into self-imposed exile in order to escape the atmosphere of judgment the church has created around this particular issue.

They mean well and only want to get people on the track to salvation, but they may not realize that this isn’t like murder, or even simply not paying tithing, this is part of an identity. You cannot separate one from the other, try as they might.

The Trifecta

So it occurred to me that I sort of shifted the purpose of this blog as I went along so I wanted to go back and show clearly what this blog is about. Here are some old posts revisited...don't worry I'm not tryin'a be lazy another post will come this week as usual. But in the meantime enjoy!

Hello World:

A gay guy, a black guy, and a Mormon walk into a bar…but only one person entered: Me. (Insert rimshot here)

Maybe I should clarify for you all: I am gay, I is am black, and I was Mormon (phew, now I only have two competing identities to deal with). You'll notice my pseudonym: The Contrary Gay. This is because I have more stereotypes attached to me than close friends...(can I get another rimshot?)

Stereotypes...what does that even mean, is there a radio involved? How is it even possible to fit people into such neat categories? It's like trying to fit into jeans that are too tight (yeah...let's not be those people). And what happens if more than one of these categories clash?! What if some stereotypes do not play nice with others...eek!

Take me for example:
1. I am a dude…simple enough.
2. I am gay...oops! Now things start to get more interesting.
3. I am black...wait can you be gay and black at the same time? I can imagine this is like dividing by zero to a computer: "Does not compute...Error...$%&#@*!!!"
4. I was Mormon til about the time I was 18 (thank you college)...Commence system overload and subsequent meltdown...the computer crashes.

All I am trying to say is that preconceptions follow each stereotype and sometimes they don't always fit. In fact these often do not match up, which I can tell you is stressful! You constantly ask yourself: What is 'normal?' and why am I not it? These competing stereotypes force the subject of scrutiny out of whatever neat little box whoever is passing judgment is trying to put them in.

When someone judges you they go about it a few different ways whether that person:

1. Reconciles the new information and expand their thinking. (The ideal choice)

2. Shuts down  because they cannot accept the situation; ignoring what they do not like or understand. (Not so much)

3. Attacks the person verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally...it all sucks. (Not cool)

Intersectionality is a term that academics throw out when talking about identity. Whole studies are devoted to the notion that identity is not black and white (oops! poor choice of words?) so rigid. In fact many factors lead to one’s personal experience. I can say that is true for me and I am proud of the many communities I can claim an identity to.

But enough about me. Let's talk about this blog!

For this blog I am going to focus on issues surrounding the gay community and the intersectionality of religion...specifically: Mormonism.  I believe it is the fear of what we do not understand or what we do not like that is so powerful and can lead people to monstrous extremes. The representation of Mormons in the media has been unfair at times I'll admit, but the representation of gays among Mormons certainly has a documented history - that continues today - of demonizing and disqualifying its homosexual members.

I hope to break the stereotypes that people make and participate in on both sides. This active ignorance goes on far too much as such films as Milk, and Brokeback Mountain have shown us. Or, even more troubling, real life examples like Matthew Shepard.

Even One Million Moms, though far from killing anyone, has made it a mission to attack all positive representations of gay people in the community. From Glee to a simple JC Penny or Gap ad,

they make sure their displeasure is noted and broadcast to the world. I am going to use my own voice to add to those in favor of progress in the gay community. I will look at the progress we have already made and the battles still to be fought. I hope that at least a few people will think about these questions I’ve raised. Why are we so determined to place three dimensional, living people into simple categories?

So for now I just wanted to say hello! Til next time all you gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered peeps, and yes all you Mormons that want to support us or even just learn more about our struggle for equality and the simple right to love who we want! I think there's a song that says it all:

Profile Post:

Ever have that moment where you're in a bookstore and as you peruse the aisles you see something that catches your eye…as you reach for it, out of nowhere, someone else reaches for the same book?

It is a moment of connection- of clarity- you both were drawn to the same conclusion or inspired by the same thought and for a moment there some recognition passes between you.

This is like that…

Except it's more of a one way experience on my end as I read up on some other blogs I follow. As a gay ex-Mormon I find that I occupy a narrow sliver of society so when I find people that have gone through the same experience it gives me a sense of solidarity.

So I'm giving a huge shoutout to Jonathan Adamson who writes the blog "In These Gay Mormon Shoes"

Now our styles are very different, but I agree with most of his arguments and hope he would to some of the arguments I've made in some of my posts. His experience as a BYU student makes him much more credible than I...rejecting my acceptance to BYU and going off to a secular university in a major undisclosed liberal city. Dedicating the entire blog to the specific issue of growing up Mormon while coming to terms with being gay, he provides both personal and critical commentary on the state of both communities and the evolving dialectic between them.

For instance one post puts forth a simple question to talk about bias and how society perpetuates injustice. He takes the edge off some of his sharper arguments by including himself as part of a larger community as well as directly addressing the reader…but the question remains:

"Pretend we lived in a world where gays were treated equally. People's sexual orientation was of no interest to anyone and no one expected another person to be one way or the other and wasn't surprised or shocked one way or the other. Everyone had equal rights and equal representation. It was not a social taboo. Someone telling another person that they were gay was equivalent to telling him/her that their favorite color was green. In other words, there is no added stress or pain or discomfort to a person's life if he/she were gay.
    1.    Would you want your child to be straight or gay? Why/ Why not?"

As he says, the only right answer is: it doesn't matter…but how often is that answer given these days.

The effectiveness of the post, at least for me, is the desire to intrigue rather than to attack. Although he has his fair share of argumentative posts, he remains analytical (to the extent that anyone can on an issue that hits so close to home). He decisively organizes his posts so readers know when to expect opinion, and when to expect argument.

Always topical to Gay Mormons, his posts range from the intricacies of dating in the gay community to talks given by General Authorities (Church leaders for those of you unfamiliar with Mormonism).   He also recognizes a journey, the one he went on, the one the gay community is going, where Mormonism is headed, and where his audience may be on their journey. By sharing his own story, he recognizes the individual, which makes his blog more dynamic. He even reads and responds to the comments he receives, changing the rhetoric where he sees fit or perhaps even more boldly defending his position when he disagrees. Point is: the readers are listened to.

Since I am writing on similar topics I found his experiences to be really helpful as I continue in my own development, I do differ in the subject matter. I spoke on a lot of topics before getting to the heart of my blog and I kind of like that, but expect me to refer to him from time to time because of all the blogs I've seen on this topic he has the clearest objective, which happens to be the same as mine: equality for the gay community!

As he says in one post: "I will always have my past. Mormonism will always be a part of me. I was raised in the church. Of course it will continue to influence how I think and how I approach ideas of deity and spirituality. I will still carry the fond memories in the church with me as well as the bad ones. But I will no longer be a Mormon. I suppose I will be an ex-Mormon... although ex sounds so harsh. I will be previously Mormon. ;)"

Go read his blog I guarantee you one of two things: you will change your perspective on these issues, or you will at least begin to understand them a little better.

Voice Post:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Can you hear me now?

Since the invention of the question, people decided that there also needs to be an answer. But I ask you what if we used the question to simply consider the possibilities? Not everything needs a quantified answer because let's face it we still can't figure out the meaning of life...

The only way to make it through life as far as I'm concerned is with curiosity (even though it killed the cat). How boring would the world be if everything was finite and so easily quantified?

So when I read, "Confronting What We Don't Know" by JonJon I recognized immediately his own curiosity on the subject. Starting off with rhetorical questions, he allows his readers to wonder with him as he explores the ongoing dilemma that gay members of the Church face.

"Have you ever stopped to consider the enormity of what you don’t know?  Or what about the things that you don’t even know that you don’t know?  Trippy right?  I'll admit There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes with believing I know much more than I actually do...in being able to wrap difficult and complex issues up into neat and tidy little packages."

He however, shies away from this trap of simplicity. I think leading with these questions helps temper his argument by admitting he doesn't have an answer. It then becomes a shared journey between him and the reader as they both try to consider these questions with no one right answer. This gives him a much softer voice than many of the other blogs I've read on the topic (especially my own).  He allows the audience to relax, pull up a chair and form their own opinion, while sharing his own. I've made similar claims in previous posts when talking about stereotypes and the lengths people go to label other people.

So when he says, "As I was reading it [Petrey's Paper, "Towards a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology"], it felt very much like he was loosening and tilling the hardened soil of what we think we know about not just sexuality, but also about gender, gender roles, procreation, the purpose of relationships, etc.  Sometimes we project the way we experience our mortal lives onto the heavens and eternity, instead of seeking to inform and enrich our mortal experiences with instruction from heaven or the divine."

I personally agree with him, but he doesn't require that from his readers. I even used this same paper in a research project of my own and one quote that stuck out to me was, "The theological and theoretical work that may serve as a basis for reimagining the practices of the Church with respect to homosexual relationships has yet to begin with any seriousness." I think that fits in with what JonJon's trying to do with his blog: approach the situation with serious intent.

However, rather than making accusations, he shares his own guilt with us; disarming us and allowing us a real moment of self-reflection. He answers his own questions with more questions. This choice in structure mirrors the complex nature of the topic. There are no answers only more questions (will it ever stop?). From this introduction he uses an inquisitive voice to ease us into the main subject of the blog: we have to approach the conversation surrounding homosexuality and spirituality with, as he says, a sense of "openness, patience, humility, courage, and thoughtfulness."

I couldn't agree more and I think this post delivers on that! Using quotes to guide the argument along he creates a conversation rather than attacking the Church guns blazing as so many people have done. Choosing the water puts out the fire technique rather than the other  cliche.
     
"As you can see, the questions begin to mount.  I know, I know, just put them on a shelf and trust in God.  How long is that a viable and effective strategy though?  What are we missing out on by not allowing ourselves to wrestle with these questions?  Can we expect God to just hand us the answers if we’re not willing to wrestle with these questions ourselves and together?"

Here the voice shifts as he anticipates the answers to his questions. By the simple "I know I know," he shows the audience that he is aware of the counterarguments out there. He knows the Mormon way because he knows the culture. So this phrase operates on several levels: establishing his expertise and giving the opportunity to respond to his opposition.

He anticipates and then challenges. I think this shows a stronger voice than he uses previously, which effectively forces the audience to react to the shift. Now it is up to them to answer these questions individually. He urges us all to actively engage with doctrine, scripture, even calling on the individuals living through these, as he says, "Seemingly dissonant identities" to consider things with an open mind as well.

Get Out the Vote

So what happened Tuesday? There was traffic everywhere and there seemed to be long lines in random places…odd

Just kidding, it was the election! After 54 elections, after Presidents have served 56 terms in office, and after 42 other men have sat in the White House, President Obama remained the 44^th President of the United States; once again leading America into the future.

If you managed to go through life as usual- oblivious to the drama (still biting my nails over Florida :/) then you may need to rethink your country of residence. I hope you all got a chance to vote whether you’re gay, straight, black, Hispanic, man, woman, Democrat, spawn of Satan Republican…it don’t matter. We all had the opportunity to use our voice in determining the new…or should I say the continuing president of the United States.

In his speech (we’ll see if he delivers) President Obama spoke about unity, coming together, and the strength of the American people. And similar to what I just said mentioned: women, men, gays, straights…you get the point, he is once again championing the cause of minorities of all kinds.

The only president to publicly support gay marriage and he’s done it on multiple occasions, so I am hopeful that we are that much closer in our fight for equality. The election also gave us two, possibly three, additional states where gays can now get married, welcome to the club Maine, Maryland, and hopefully when all the votes are in, Washington!!!

November 6, 2012 was a memorable day for me: The first time voting in a presidential election (I was 17 for Obama’s first campaign) gay marriage is slowly moving forward, and I got to witness as our country once again put aside prejudice and discrimination to elect, in my opinion, the best man for the job.

Though Romney’s business acumen may have somehow led us speeding down the road to economic recovery, I fear that we would also have been led down another road…first stop: 1950 (see Kelly Clarkson's remarks here). Where women have two options: secretary or housewife, blacks have even fewer options, and homosexuality is considered a mental illness.

Civil rights…what a nuisance.

Now I don’t pretend to know anything about politics or economics, but what I do know is that the 314,712,000 people living in this country need to have an equal chance. I think I read that somewhere, I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ll get back to you.

For myself, social issues came before economics and that’s how I voted: for equality.

I look forward to the day when I can walk down the street and see a mixed gendered couple holding hands here, a same-sex couple holding hands there, and nobody gives a double take or rushes their kids to the other side of the street hands clasped over their oh so innocent eyes…yeah right

I am now more hopeful than ever that our time is coming, so I will be watching President Obama’s second term to see what he can do to make this country as great as it can be and also what he will be able to do to make sure that equality doesn’t remain such an impossible feat.

In the mean time I’m moving to Ohio where I can swing my vote away from the Gingrich’s, Santorums, and Rick Perry’s of 2016 if you remember this little ditty:

Gotta respect the cajones it takes to tell the whole gay community they should go back in the closet on national television…oh wait no you don’t.

But I don’t want to leave you with that so instead I’ll leave you with this (it's a little longer, but worth every minute):

I’m The Contrary Gay and I approve this message.

The Gay Mormon Closet

Near my house their is a road that I like to drive on. Whether to clear my head, escape the indoors, kill time, or for the chance to discover something new. At this point discovering something new on that road is virtually impossible. But today I thought about this road (nostalgia…yuck). Starting in a normal residential community it winds around back and to the right suddenly the local wildlife park opens up and you can casually observe the beginning of so-called nature. As you keep going it winds around again ending the brief look at the natural world and comes to a place colloquially known as Church Row. There is a Scientists' Church a Jehovah's Witness church, and finally ends with a Mormon Church.

As I thought about this church and how I attended it for 18 years I actually…discovered something new…a thought…a wish even. That I would look and suddenly the doors would burst open and members would proclaim to the heavens the joyous news broadway musical style: finally the Church truly accepts the gay community! Loving monogamous same-sex relationships would carry the same eternal significance that their heterosexual counterparts had.

I say that this is a new thought because when I left the Mormon Church after going off to College I never looked back…not even for a moment. In my eyes I was no longer a Mormon nor would I ever be again. But recently I have researched the topic ad nauseum and I have been faced with the question: Is their policy towards homosexuals the only reason I left? If they announced tomorrow that they would no longer teach that homosexuality was a sin and that they fully support gay marriage, would I return?

This is a much more complicated issue than I have time to answer, however I am of the opinion that talking it out helps so…

My initial reaction was, "No I don't think I would," here's why. I couldn't go a month without something negative about gay people coming up in Church. But I wasn't hearing these things at school- that's odd…yeah there was the occasional ignorant comment. But that was High School immaturity…not fire, brimstone, and the promise of a dark jail cell in the far corner of hell (no this is not literal). I felt bad about myself constantly wondering what I could do to fix what was wrong with me.

It took me a long time to realize I wasn't the one with the problem.

                                       

So after all they put me through, would a simple "Sorry about the years of oppression, and psychological damage" suffice? Hell No!

But then as I began to research and read more about the experience of people in the same situation and I realized that the same thing happened to black people back in the day. There wouldn't be any black members of the Church if everyone stuck to their wounded pride. We have to remember that the Church is run by men who are imperfect. That means the men are wrong not the Church itself.

But then I'm thinking that since leaving the church I have created my own rules regarding morality, which may not be able to be reconciled if the doors do indeed swing open letting all the gays out of the Mormon closet…or all the Mormons out of the gay closet?…whatever. Point being is that when I left the church I made a choice to leave, coming back would not be as simple as walking through the door.

But one thing I do know is that Mormonism has left deep impressions on me that remain to this day even after breaking away from the institution itself. I've walked into a few Mormon churches since leaving for a number of occasions and everytime it seems familiar and peaceful. Yes...they made me feel terrible for being gay, but the people in my ward are all amazing people who wouldn't hesitate to give you a hand…asked or not.

I guess I'll have to wait for that day (unlikely as it is to come in my lifetime) to know how I'll react and if I come back to the Church.