The Gay Mormon Closet

Near my house their is a road that I like to drive on. Whether to clear my head, escape the indoors, kill time, or for the chance to discover something new. At this point discovering something new on that road is virtually impossible. But today I thought about this road (nostalgia…yuck). Starting in a normal residential community it winds around back and to the right suddenly the local wildlife park opens up and you can casually observe the beginning of so-called nature. As you keep going it winds around again ending the brief look at the natural world and comes to a place colloquially known as Church Row. There is a Scientists' Church a Jehovah's Witness church, and finally ends with a Mormon Church.

As I thought about this church and how I attended it for 18 years I actually…discovered something new…a thought…a wish even. That I would look and suddenly the doors would burst open and members would proclaim to the heavens the joyous news broadway musical style: finally the Church truly accepts the gay community! Loving monogamous same-sex relationships would carry the same eternal significance that their heterosexual counterparts had.

I say that this is a new thought because when I left the Mormon Church after going off to College I never looked back…not even for a moment. In my eyes I was no longer a Mormon nor would I ever be again. But recently I have researched the topic ad nauseum and I have been faced with the question: Is their policy towards homosexuals the only reason I left? If they announced tomorrow that they would no longer teach that homosexuality was a sin and that they fully support gay marriage, would I return?

This is a much more complicated issue than I have time to answer, however I am of the opinion that talking it out helps so…

My initial reaction was, "No I don't think I would," here's why. I couldn't go a month without something negative about gay people coming up in Church. But I wasn't hearing these things at school- that's odd…yeah there was the occasional ignorant comment. But that was High School immaturity…not fire, brimstone, and the promise of a dark jail cell in the far corner of hell (no this is not literal). I felt bad about myself constantly wondering what I could do to fix what was wrong with me.

It took me a long time to realize I wasn't the one with the problem.

                                       

So after all they put me through, would a simple "Sorry about the years of oppression, and psychological damage" suffice? Hell No!

But then as I began to research and read more about the experience of people in the same situation and I realized that the same thing happened to black people back in the day. There wouldn't be any black members of the Church if everyone stuck to their wounded pride. We have to remember that the Church is run by men who are imperfect. That means the men are wrong not the Church itself.

But then I'm thinking that since leaving the church I have created my own rules regarding morality, which may not be able to be reconciled if the doors do indeed swing open letting all the gays out of the Mormon closet…or all the Mormons out of the gay closet?…whatever. Point being is that when I left the church I made a choice to leave, coming back would not be as simple as walking through the door.

But one thing I do know is that Mormonism has left deep impressions on me that remain to this day even after breaking away from the institution itself. I've walked into a few Mormon churches since leaving for a number of occasions and everytime it seems familiar and peaceful. Yes...they made me feel terrible for being gay, but the people in my ward are all amazing people who wouldn't hesitate to give you a hand…asked or not.

I guess I'll have to wait for that day (unlikely as it is to come in my lifetime) to know how I'll react and if I come back to the Church.