Another Gay Outreach Stunt

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Hey guys, I’m back and I have news. I was doing a google search for ‘gay mormons’ and apparently there is breaking news…

The Church has accepted the gays and will now support gay marriage.

Ok so that’s not the news, however there’s another new website created by the Church to reach out to their…out members.

Mormons and Gays provides discussions and talks from Church leaders, but at every turn it seems they go out of their way to warn that no real change will occur. In both of the first two videos by Elder Dallin H. Oaks and Elder D. Todd Christofferson, they point out that the Mormon stance has not and will never change.

They exert their efforts on making these members feel better about their supposed problem rather than telling them they have no problems. It’s like they’re giving out Band-Aids for internal bleeding. The psychological damage of most people struggling between same-sex attraction and a Mormon belief, including myself, comes from the Church’s position not their sexuality. I would recommend to any Church leader Jacob Caldwell’s article, “The Viability of Christian Same-Sex Unions: Why Scripturally Normed Faith Communities Must Support Homosexual Relationships,” which speaks about the need for a broader view of these issues from Christian denominations.

The Church has received a lot of publicity this past year for making ‘large strides’ towards acceptance and understanding, however as the leaders in this video themselves say…nothing has changed. Homosexuality is just as much a sin as it ever was.

I’m getting whiplash from these stories where the headlines read Mormons Reach Out to the Gay Community, or Church Changes its Stance Towards Homosexuals. Wake me up when they’ve changed their minds towards homosexuality itself.

On the website they even highlight:

“Where the Church stands:

The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.”

They keep giving hope and snatching it back. It’s like when you’re a baby and adults keep pulling the binky out of your mouth, I’m convinced none of these babies are as amused as the parents, and neither am I.

While I appreciate that they support anti-discrimination laws, no longer sanction gay bashing, and addresses us with a misguided sense of compassion, it does nothing to help sleep at night or get me back to Church.

One of the videos attempts to discuss ‘What Needs to Change,’ but as a gay ex-Mormon, I say what needs to change is their attitudes and discussions with us; it is their doctrine not our identity that need to go.

 

I agree with Caldwell as he argues for a reexamination of the Bible. The Bible contains proven inconsistencies regarding translation; and The Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrine in Covenants don’t make a single mention of homosexuality.

For all their talk of love and compassion, they have yet to extend a true olive branch, or viable alternative for its gay members. The same four options still circulate: deny, abstain, lie, leave (these are bleak, at best). Neither of those leads to a true union of sexuality and belief. Unfortunately at this point in time it cannot be done.

There is a section of this website urging the Church’s struggling gay members to hold onto the faith, but as of yet the Church hasn’t met the gay community halfway. I’m sure Chuch leaders see these and the ‘It Gets Better’ videos as tremendous progress, but this is the same church that waited until the late 70s to allow Black people the right to the Priesthood.

I hope that this is a similar situation (how twisted is that?) and all these articles, websites, and videos are a precursor of the actual change towards full equality for all members and hopefully by extension all of society.

It's Not a Sin, It's Who I Am

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I had a mini writers' block crisis. What more can be said about the life of a gay ex-Mormon? Anyone…Anyone…(yes, that is a reference to the angst-ridden Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

I was thinking about this the other day and I thought: does my exhalted humble opinion even matter when there are so many people blogging about the exact same thing? What do I have to offer that someone else hasn’t said already - or worse, said better…

That lasted about ten seconds when I realized that if I’m saying the same thing as someone else, then why is my idea somehow less relevant? The beauty of blogging is that so many people are sharing their stories, and yes some are similar, but the more the merrier.

That said y’all are stuck with me at least for a little while longer. (I can hear the enthusiasm from my monitor)

So right now what I want to talk about is the stunning lack of any scriptural doctrine condemning homosexuality in the Mormon Faith. Scripture for Mormons includes: The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

Now the Bible mentions homosexuality, but there is argument over how to interpret this. As I grew up I expected that if I were to read through these other scriptures I would find similar condemnations of homosexuality. This however is not the case.

For those of you who don’t know how Mormonism works you may wonder then why the Mormons seem to be, more than most religions, so unified against gay people. The reason is that the word of the prophet is the word of God. And many of the prophets have spoken on this issue and condemned it as a sin. So even though the scriptures ignore the issue the members of the church are still bound by what the leaders say.

Of all the beliefs in the Church, this is one of those that I have the most hesitancy with. When one man gets to decide the rules for an entire congregation the line gets hazy. He is a spiritual leader, but he is also simply a man. There is no way around it and sometimes I wonder how much of the rules they create are for personal reasons.

The Church has a saying: “Be in the world, but not of the world.”

This maxim, as if this were even possible, encourages members to physically inhabit the earth, but to somehow avoid being truly involved in its goings on. I think this gets in the way of other positive teachings of the Church like charity…or humanity.

Furthermore how can a man, split between these two worlds, make decisions on morality for the people he wants to remain separate from? I love the Mormons that I’ve had the chance to get to know, but as a collective unit…it’s like they’re running a gentleman’s club and Joseph Smith himself might not even get in anymore.

Simply put, they seem to be making they’re own rules. As I said there’s no mention of homosexuality in Mormon doctrine and the foundation for homosexuality as a sin in the Bible is shaky at best, yet that is their stance. But then it’s not like we do follow all the Levitical Laws, which are explicitly stated. (Not that I’m complaining…I like shaving, thank you very much). So why is this an issue for the Church?

When I said I wonder if I would run back to the Church if they opened the doors for its gay members, I still don’t have an answer. But it seems at this rate it’s a reality I won’t face, which is sad. I remember singing all the primary hymns as a kid and meeting some truly great people. But I’ve had to go into self-imposed exile in order to escape the atmosphere of judgment the church has created around this particular issue.

They mean well and only want to get people on the track to salvation, but they may not realize that this isn’t like murder, or even simply not paying tithing, this is part of an identity. You cannot separate one from the other, try as they might.

The Trifecta

So it occurred to me that I sort of shifted the purpose of this blog as I went along so I wanted to go back and show clearly what this blog is about. Here are some old posts revisited...don't worry I'm not tryin'a be lazy another post will come this week as usual. But in the meantime enjoy!

Hello World:

A gay guy, a black guy, and a Mormon walk into a bar…but only one person entered: Me. (Insert rimshot here)

Maybe I should clarify for you all: I am gay, I is am black, and I was Mormon (phew, now I only have two competing identities to deal with). You'll notice my pseudonym: The Contrary Gay. This is because I have more stereotypes attached to me than close friends...(can I get another rimshot?)

Stereotypes...what does that even mean, is there a radio involved? How is it even possible to fit people into such neat categories? It's like trying to fit into jeans that are too tight (yeah...let's not be those people). And what happens if more than one of these categories clash?! What if some stereotypes do not play nice with others...eek!

Take me for example:
1. I am a dude…simple enough.
2. I am gay...oops! Now things start to get more interesting.
3. I am black...wait can you be gay and black at the same time? I can imagine this is like dividing by zero to a computer: "Does not compute...Error...$%&#@*!!!"
4. I was Mormon til about the time I was 18 (thank you college)...Commence system overload and subsequent meltdown...the computer crashes.

All I am trying to say is that preconceptions follow each stereotype and sometimes they don't always fit. In fact these often do not match up, which I can tell you is stressful! You constantly ask yourself: What is 'normal?' and why am I not it? These competing stereotypes force the subject of scrutiny out of whatever neat little box whoever is passing judgment is trying to put them in.

When someone judges you they go about it a few different ways whether that person:

1. Reconciles the new information and expand their thinking. (The ideal choice)

2. Shuts down  because they cannot accept the situation; ignoring what they do not like or understand. (Not so much)

3. Attacks the person verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally...it all sucks. (Not cool)

Intersectionality is a term that academics throw out when talking about identity. Whole studies are devoted to the notion that identity is not black and white (oops! poor choice of words?) so rigid. In fact many factors lead to one’s personal experience. I can say that is true for me and I am proud of the many communities I can claim an identity to.

But enough about me. Let's talk about this blog!

For this blog I am going to focus on issues surrounding the gay community and the intersectionality of religion...specifically: Mormonism.  I believe it is the fear of what we do not understand or what we do not like that is so powerful and can lead people to monstrous extremes. The representation of Mormons in the media has been unfair at times I'll admit, but the representation of gays among Mormons certainly has a documented history - that continues today - of demonizing and disqualifying its homosexual members.

I hope to break the stereotypes that people make and participate in on both sides. This active ignorance goes on far too much as such films as Milk, and Brokeback Mountain have shown us. Or, even more troubling, real life examples like Matthew Shepard.

Even One Million Moms, though far from killing anyone, has made it a mission to attack all positive representations of gay people in the community. From Glee to a simple JC Penny or Gap ad,

they make sure their displeasure is noted and broadcast to the world. I am going to use my own voice to add to those in favor of progress in the gay community. I will look at the progress we have already made and the battles still to be fought. I hope that at least a few people will think about these questions I’ve raised. Why are we so determined to place three dimensional, living people into simple categories?

So for now I just wanted to say hello! Til next time all you gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered peeps, and yes all you Mormons that want to support us or even just learn more about our struggle for equality and the simple right to love who we want! I think there's a song that says it all:

Profile Post:

Ever have that moment where you're in a bookstore and as you peruse the aisles you see something that catches your eye…as you reach for it, out of nowhere, someone else reaches for the same book?

It is a moment of connection- of clarity- you both were drawn to the same conclusion or inspired by the same thought and for a moment there some recognition passes between you.

This is like that…

Except it's more of a one way experience on my end as I read up on some other blogs I follow. As a gay ex-Mormon I find that I occupy a narrow sliver of society so when I find people that have gone through the same experience it gives me a sense of solidarity.

So I'm giving a huge shoutout to Jonathan Adamson who writes the blog "In These Gay Mormon Shoes"

Now our styles are very different, but I agree with most of his arguments and hope he would to some of the arguments I've made in some of my posts. His experience as a BYU student makes him much more credible than I...rejecting my acceptance to BYU and going off to a secular university in a major undisclosed liberal city. Dedicating the entire blog to the specific issue of growing up Mormon while coming to terms with being gay, he provides both personal and critical commentary on the state of both communities and the evolving dialectic between them.

For instance one post puts forth a simple question to talk about bias and how society perpetuates injustice. He takes the edge off some of his sharper arguments by including himself as part of a larger community as well as directly addressing the reader…but the question remains:

"Pretend we lived in a world where gays were treated equally. People's sexual orientation was of no interest to anyone and no one expected another person to be one way or the other and wasn't surprised or shocked one way or the other. Everyone had equal rights and equal representation. It was not a social taboo. Someone telling another person that they were gay was equivalent to telling him/her that their favorite color was green. In other words, there is no added stress or pain or discomfort to a person's life if he/she were gay.
    1.    Would you want your child to be straight or gay? Why/ Why not?"

As he says, the only right answer is: it doesn't matter…but how often is that answer given these days.

The effectiveness of the post, at least for me, is the desire to intrigue rather than to attack. Although he has his fair share of argumentative posts, he remains analytical (to the extent that anyone can on an issue that hits so close to home). He decisively organizes his posts so readers know when to expect opinion, and when to expect argument.

Always topical to Gay Mormons, his posts range from the intricacies of dating in the gay community to talks given by General Authorities (Church leaders for those of you unfamiliar with Mormonism).   He also recognizes a journey, the one he went on, the one the gay community is going, where Mormonism is headed, and where his audience may be on their journey. By sharing his own story, he recognizes the individual, which makes his blog more dynamic. He even reads and responds to the comments he receives, changing the rhetoric where he sees fit or perhaps even more boldly defending his position when he disagrees. Point is: the readers are listened to.

Since I am writing on similar topics I found his experiences to be really helpful as I continue in my own development, I do differ in the subject matter. I spoke on a lot of topics before getting to the heart of my blog and I kind of like that, but expect me to refer to him from time to time because of all the blogs I've seen on this topic he has the clearest objective, which happens to be the same as mine: equality for the gay community!

As he says in one post: "I will always have my past. Mormonism will always be a part of me. I was raised in the church. Of course it will continue to influence how I think and how I approach ideas of deity and spirituality. I will still carry the fond memories in the church with me as well as the bad ones. But I will no longer be a Mormon. I suppose I will be an ex-Mormon... although ex sounds so harsh. I will be previously Mormon. ;)"

Go read his blog I guarantee you one of two things: you will change your perspective on these issues, or you will at least begin to understand them a little better.

Voice Post:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Can you hear me now?

Since the invention of the question, people decided that there also needs to be an answer. But I ask you what if we used the question to simply consider the possibilities? Not everything needs a quantified answer because let's face it we still can't figure out the meaning of life...

The only way to make it through life as far as I'm concerned is with curiosity (even though it killed the cat). How boring would the world be if everything was finite and so easily quantified?

So when I read, "Confronting What We Don't Know" by JonJon I recognized immediately his own curiosity on the subject. Starting off with rhetorical questions, he allows his readers to wonder with him as he explores the ongoing dilemma that gay members of the Church face.

"Have you ever stopped to consider the enormity of what you don’t know?  Or what about the things that you don’t even know that you don’t know?  Trippy right?  I'll admit There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes with believing I know much more than I actually do...in being able to wrap difficult and complex issues up into neat and tidy little packages."

He however, shies away from this trap of simplicity. I think leading with these questions helps temper his argument by admitting he doesn't have an answer. It then becomes a shared journey between him and the reader as they both try to consider these questions with no one right answer. This gives him a much softer voice than many of the other blogs I've read on the topic (especially my own).  He allows the audience to relax, pull up a chair and form their own opinion, while sharing his own. I've made similar claims in previous posts when talking about stereotypes and the lengths people go to label other people.

So when he says, "As I was reading it [Petrey's Paper, "Towards a Post-Heterosexual Mormon Theology"], it felt very much like he was loosening and tilling the hardened soil of what we think we know about not just sexuality, but also about gender, gender roles, procreation, the purpose of relationships, etc.  Sometimes we project the way we experience our mortal lives onto the heavens and eternity, instead of seeking to inform and enrich our mortal experiences with instruction from heaven or the divine."

I personally agree with him, but he doesn't require that from his readers. I even used this same paper in a research project of my own and one quote that stuck out to me was, "The theological and theoretical work that may serve as a basis for reimagining the practices of the Church with respect to homosexual relationships has yet to begin with any seriousness." I think that fits in with what JonJon's trying to do with his blog: approach the situation with serious intent.

However, rather than making accusations, he shares his own guilt with us; disarming us and allowing us a real moment of self-reflection. He answers his own questions with more questions. This choice in structure mirrors the complex nature of the topic. There are no answers only more questions (will it ever stop?). From this introduction he uses an inquisitive voice to ease us into the main subject of the blog: we have to approach the conversation surrounding homosexuality and spirituality with, as he says, a sense of "openness, patience, humility, courage, and thoughtfulness."

I couldn't agree more and I think this post delivers on that! Using quotes to guide the argument along he creates a conversation rather than attacking the Church guns blazing as so many people have done. Choosing the water puts out the fire technique rather than the other  cliche.
     
"As you can see, the questions begin to mount.  I know, I know, just put them on a shelf and trust in God.  How long is that a viable and effective strategy though?  What are we missing out on by not allowing ourselves to wrestle with these questions?  Can we expect God to just hand us the answers if we’re not willing to wrestle with these questions ourselves and together?"

Here the voice shifts as he anticipates the answers to his questions. By the simple "I know I know," he shows the audience that he is aware of the counterarguments out there. He knows the Mormon way because he knows the culture. So this phrase operates on several levels: establishing his expertise and giving the opportunity to respond to his opposition.

He anticipates and then challenges. I think this shows a stronger voice than he uses previously, which effectively forces the audience to react to the shift. Now it is up to them to answer these questions individually. He urges us all to actively engage with doctrine, scripture, even calling on the individuals living through these, as he says, "Seemingly dissonant identities" to consider things with an open mind as well.

Get Out the Vote

So what happened Tuesday? There was traffic everywhere and there seemed to be long lines in random places…odd

Just kidding, it was the election! After 54 elections, after Presidents have served 56 terms in office, and after 42 other men have sat in the White House, President Obama remained the 44^th President of the United States; once again leading America into the future.

If you managed to go through life as usual- oblivious to the drama (still biting my nails over Florida :/) then you may need to rethink your country of residence. I hope you all got a chance to vote whether you’re gay, straight, black, Hispanic, man, woman, Democrat, spawn of Satan Republican…it don’t matter. We all had the opportunity to use our voice in determining the new…or should I say the continuing president of the United States.

In his speech (we’ll see if he delivers) President Obama spoke about unity, coming together, and the strength of the American people. And similar to what I just said mentioned: women, men, gays, straights…you get the point, he is once again championing the cause of minorities of all kinds.

The only president to publicly support gay marriage and he’s done it on multiple occasions, so I am hopeful that we are that much closer in our fight for equality. The election also gave us two, possibly three, additional states where gays can now get married, welcome to the club Maine, Maryland, and hopefully when all the votes are in, Washington!!!

November 6, 2012 was a memorable day for me: The first time voting in a presidential election (I was 17 for Obama’s first campaign) gay marriage is slowly moving forward, and I got to witness as our country once again put aside prejudice and discrimination to elect, in my opinion, the best man for the job.

Though Romney’s business acumen may have somehow led us speeding down the road to economic recovery, I fear that we would also have been led down another road…first stop: 1950 (see Kelly Clarkson's remarks here). Where women have two options: secretary or housewife, blacks have even fewer options, and homosexuality is considered a mental illness.

Civil rights…what a nuisance.

Now I don’t pretend to know anything about politics or economics, but what I do know is that the 314,712,000 people living in this country need to have an equal chance. I think I read that somewhere, I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ll get back to you.

For myself, social issues came before economics and that’s how I voted: for equality.

I look forward to the day when I can walk down the street and see a mixed gendered couple holding hands here, a same-sex couple holding hands there, and nobody gives a double take or rushes their kids to the other side of the street hands clasped over their oh so innocent eyes…yeah right

I am now more hopeful than ever that our time is coming, so I will be watching President Obama’s second term to see what he can do to make this country as great as it can be and also what he will be able to do to make sure that equality doesn’t remain such an impossible feat.

In the mean time I’m moving to Ohio where I can swing my vote away from the Gingrich’s, Santorums, and Rick Perry’s of 2016 if you remember this little ditty:

Gotta respect the cajones it takes to tell the whole gay community they should go back in the closet on national television…oh wait no you don’t.

But I don’t want to leave you with that so instead I’ll leave you with this (it's a little longer, but worth every minute):

I’m The Contrary Gay and I approve this message.

The Gay Mormon Closet

Near my house their is a road that I like to drive on. Whether to clear my head, escape the indoors, kill time, or for the chance to discover something new. At this point discovering something new on that road is virtually impossible. But today I thought about this road (nostalgia…yuck). Starting in a normal residential community it winds around back and to the right suddenly the local wildlife park opens up and you can casually observe the beginning of so-called nature. As you keep going it winds around again ending the brief look at the natural world and comes to a place colloquially known as Church Row. There is a Scientists' Church a Jehovah's Witness church, and finally ends with a Mormon Church.

As I thought about this church and how I attended it for 18 years I actually…discovered something new…a thought…a wish even. That I would look and suddenly the doors would burst open and members would proclaim to the heavens the joyous news broadway musical style: finally the Church truly accepts the gay community! Loving monogamous same-sex relationships would carry the same eternal significance that their heterosexual counterparts had.

I say that this is a new thought because when I left the Mormon Church after going off to College I never looked back…not even for a moment. In my eyes I was no longer a Mormon nor would I ever be again. But recently I have researched the topic ad nauseum and I have been faced with the question: Is their policy towards homosexuals the only reason I left? If they announced tomorrow that they would no longer teach that homosexuality was a sin and that they fully support gay marriage, would I return?

This is a much more complicated issue than I have time to answer, however I am of the opinion that talking it out helps so…

My initial reaction was, "No I don't think I would," here's why. I couldn't go a month without something negative about gay people coming up in Church. But I wasn't hearing these things at school- that's odd…yeah there was the occasional ignorant comment. But that was High School immaturity…not fire, brimstone, and the promise of a dark jail cell in the far corner of hell (no this is not literal). I felt bad about myself constantly wondering what I could do to fix what was wrong with me.

It took me a long time to realize I wasn't the one with the problem.

                                       

So after all they put me through, would a simple "Sorry about the years of oppression, and psychological damage" suffice? Hell No!

But then as I began to research and read more about the experience of people in the same situation and I realized that the same thing happened to black people back in the day. There wouldn't be any black members of the Church if everyone stuck to their wounded pride. We have to remember that the Church is run by men who are imperfect. That means the men are wrong not the Church itself.

But then I'm thinking that since leaving the church I have created my own rules regarding morality, which may not be able to be reconciled if the doors do indeed swing open letting all the gays out of the Mormon closet…or all the Mormons out of the gay closet?…whatever. Point being is that when I left the church I made a choice to leave, coming back would not be as simple as walking through the door.

But one thing I do know is that Mormonism has left deep impressions on me that remain to this day even after breaking away from the institution itself. I've walked into a few Mormon churches since leaving for a number of occasions and everytime it seems familiar and peaceful. Yes...they made me feel terrible for being gay, but the people in my ward are all amazing people who wouldn't hesitate to give you a hand…asked or not.

I guess I'll have to wait for that day (unlikely as it is to come in my lifetime) to know how I'll react and if I come back to the Church.

Voicing the Question

I'm a big fan of questions…as stereotypical as a gay theatre student is...that's all they teach you. Question everything, never stop questioning, why did you do this? What does this mean in terms of humanity?

You never have to answer these questions, all you need to bring to the table is an unceasing curiosity.

The only way to make it through life as far as I'm concerned is with curiosity (even though it killed the cat). How boring would the world be if everything was finite and so easily quantified.

So when I read, "Confronting What We Don't Know" by JonJon I recognized immediately his own curiosity on the subject. Starting off with rhetorical questions, he allows his readers to wonder with him as he explores the ongoing dilemma that gay members of the Church face.

"Have you ever stopped to consider the enormity of what you don’t know?  Or what about the things that you don’t even know you don’t know?  Overwhelming, right?  There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes with believing I know much more than I actually do, in being able to wrap difficult and complex issues up into neat and tidy little packages."

He has a much softer voice than many of the other blogs I've read on the topic. I think leading with these questions helps temper his argument by admitting he doesn't have an answer. Now the audience can relax and form their own opinion even as he gives them his own. I've made similar claims when talking about stereotypes and the lengths people go to label other people.

He also uses 'I,' which puts less pressure on the reader, making it less accusatory. He shares his own guilt with us, disarming us and allowing us a real moment of self reflection. He also answers his own question with a question. This choice in structure mirrors the content as he talks about the complex nature of the topic. There are no answers only more questions. From this introduction he uses this inquisitive voice to ease us into the main subject of the blog: we have to approach the conversation surrounding homosexuality and spirituality with a sense of "openness, patience, humility, courage, and thoughtfulness."

I couldn't agree more and I think this post delivers on that. Using quotes to guide the argument along he creates a conversation rather than attacking the Church shouting and yelling as so many people have done. Choosing the water puts out the fire technique rather than the other cliche.

"As you can see, the questions begin to mount.  I know, I know, just put them on a shelf and trust in God.  How long is that a viable and effective strategy though?  What are we missing out on by not allowing ourselves to wrestle with these questions?  Can we expect God to just hand us the answers if we’re not willing to wrestle with these questions ourselves and together?"

Much like the intro he has a recurring love affair with the open question. Here however the voice shifts as he anticipates the answers to the questions. Here by the simple "I know I know" he shows the audience that he is aware of the counterarguments out there. He knows the Mormon way because he knows the culture. So this phrase operates on several levels: establishing his expertise and giving the opportunity to respond to his opposition.

He anticipates and then challenges. I think this shows a stronger voice than he uses, which effectively forces the audience to react to the shift. Now it is up to them to answer these questions individually. He urges us all to actively engage with doctrine, scripture, even calling on the individuals living through these, as he says, "Seemingly dissonant identities" to consider things with an open mind as well.

That Moment in a Bookstore

Ever have that moment where you're in a bookstore and as you peruse the aisles you see something that catches your eye…as you reach for it, out of nowhere, someone else reaches for the same book?

It is a moment of connection- of clarity- you both were drawn to the same conclusion or inspired by the same thought and for a moment there some recognition passes between you.

This is not that…

This is more of a one way experience on my end as I read up on some other blogs I follow. As a gay ex-Mormon I find that I occupy a narrow sliver of society so when I find people that have gone through the same experience it gives me a sense of solidarity.

So I'm giving a huge shoutout to Jonathan Adamson who writes the blog "In These Gay Mormon Shoes"

Now our styles are very different, but I agree with most of his arguments and hope he would to some of the arguments I've made in some of these posts. His experience as a BYU student makes him much more credible than I, rejecting my acceptance to BYU and going off to a secular university in a major liberal city. Dedicating the entire blog to the specific issue of growing up Mormon while coming to terms with being gay, he provides both personal and critical commentary on the state of both communities and the evolving dialectic between them.

For instance one post puts forth a simple question to talk about bias and how society perpetuates injustice. He takes the edge off by including himself as well as directly addressing the reader…but the question remains:

"Pretend we lived in a world where gays were treated equally. People's sexual orientation was of no interest to anyone and no one expected another person to be one way or the other and wasn't surprised or shocked one way or the other. Everyone had equal rights and equal representation. It was not a social taboo. Someone telling another person that they were gay was equivalent to telling him/her that their favorite color was green. In other words, there is no added stress or pain or discomfort to a person's life if he/she were gay.
    1.    Would you want your child to be straight or gay? Why/ Why not?"

As he says, the only right answer is: it doesn't matter…but how often is that answer given these days.

But again the effectiveness of the post, at least for me, is the desire to intrigue rather than to attack. Although he has his fair share of argumentative posts, he remains analytical (to the extent that anyone can on an issue that hits so close to home). He decisively organizes his posts so readers know when to expect opinion, and when to expect argument.

Always topical, his posts still manage to cover a variety o topics from the intricacies of dating in the gay community to talks given by General Authorities (Church leaders for those of you unfamiliar with Mormonism).   He also recognizes a journey, the one he went on, the one the gay community is going, where Mormonism is headed, and where his audience may be on their journey. His attention to the readership makes his blog more dynamic as he reads and responds to the comments he receives, changing the rhetoric where he sees fit or perhaps even more boldly defending his position when he disagrees. Point is the readers are listened to.

Since I am writing on similar topics I found his experiences to be really helpful as I continue in my own development, I do differ in the subject matter. I spoke on a lot of topics before getting to the heart of my blog and I kind of like that, but expect me to refer to him from time to time because of all the blogs I've seen on this topic he has the clearest objective, which happens to be the same as mine: equality for the gay community.

As he says in one post: "I will always have my past. Mormonism will always be a part of me. I was raised in the church. Of course it will continue to influence how I think and how I approach ideas of deity and spirituality. I will still carry the fond memories in the church with me as well as the bad ones. But I will no longer be a Mormon. I suppose I will be an ex-Mormon... although ex sounds so harsh. I will be previously Mormon. ;)"

Go read his blog I guarantee you one of two things: you will change your perspective on these issues, or you will at least begin to understand them a little better.

What is Normal?

Oh what a beautiful morning!

So today I want to focus on an awesome resource I have recently started using. Now, I'm new to the world of social media… blogging, the plethora of social networking sites, and the new-ish trend of social bookmarking are all Greek to me.

Facebook is the one thing I mastered… Who would have guessed?

Anyway the last of these, Social Bookmarking is what I want to talk about today. Because this blog is dedicated to the homosexual community and current trends within it, I am always looking for articles and news stories that interest me. So social bookmarking is actually helpful.

I was just introduced to Diigo and it's an amazing resource… even if I don't understand it.

My searches are easier, the articles are more diverse, and you can find people that are interested in similar issues. While searching I found a few people that were tagging a bunch of sites on the Mormon community and some of them dealt with their stance on gay people and their reputation in the media.

One person, Aimee R, pays particular attention to Mormons and (given my Mormon background) I found these articles fascinating with some of her tags mention homosexuality. They can definitely be applied in a discussion about the Mormon community and their reputation on this issue. So as I continue my exploration of this complicated relationship between the Mormon Church and their gays members, I will definitely be using this site. And hopefully my social bookmarking soulmate can help me out… too bad she hasn't posted in two years :(

Point is… technology (whether I understand it or not) has allowed us all to participate and observe the public discourse on topics from who was wearing what at the Oscars to the upcoming election and the Presidential Debates.

I will continue looking for articles and when I find interesting ones I will point them out to you all and you can do the same! Together we can keep the conversation going and continue to expand and add to it. I have a feeling we have a long way to go before equality is reached, therefore the articles and news stories will keep on coming. I look forward to the day when this is old news and two boyfriends can have a date without people staring… It's weird! (Not to mention completely kills the mood).

I always like to leave with something interesting, so today I'll leave you with this message:

We need to redefine normal so that people who don't fit in aren't left behind. By changing the norm more people will be included and won't feel so isolated in their own experience. If starting this blog has taught me anything it's that you can always find a community to participate in, their are always resources to take advantage of. For me it really did get better!

I don't want anyone to be cast out of society (gimme time I may think of a few people), so let's all let each other have a fair shot at life, the way we wanna live to live it, and love the people we choose.

Does it Really Get Better?

So last time I left you with this video and I am overwhelmed by the number of comments you guys left. It really gave me nothing a lot to think about.

But anywho, as promised, I want to discuss this video a little more and show how while I'm sure it was made with the best intentions, doesn't really inspire hope so much as despair.

                              

The fundamental issue being that while Mormons individually can make the choice to accept their family members, colleagues, friends that are gay…the Church hasn't changed its tune.

How can it get better if there is no change in official doctrine?

The only reason gays received such negative public opinions from the Mormon community in the first place was because of the Church's teachings.

Now that public opinion has changed this can only go so far.

I want to point your attention to a few places in this video to show what I think their problems are, how they could help themselves gain more respect in the gay community, and most importantly actually help people dealing with these difficult situations:

1. "You don't know me, but I think I know you"

No…you don't. Just because you have a son that's gay doesn't mean you know all the gay people on the planet (there are quite a few of us). Advice: stick to your situation, why isn't that good enough? I think sharing this story is brave and may be inspirational to people out there, but that is for them to decide. Your son can't speak for all of us and you cannot speak for all the parents out there.

2. "My son was such a perfect child"

Now this is just unfortunate on so many levels. This woman comes off as insensitive and alienates the audience. They need to be careful if they actually want to communicate a message of hope, this was not the way to go.

3. "I don't know what it feels like to be gay…I'm straight"

Why is this even in here?! With all these interviews they chose this clip?! This quote has been taken out of context and does nothing to support the overall objective: to make people feel better. This is supposed to be about the people who are going through tough times, how is him being straight helpful? Remember I am the focus (as usual), the audience, me…over here!!!

4. "I grew up where people told me that being gay was wrong and it was a sin"

This will be quick…it's still a sin according to the official organized Mormon Church. Notice how they cut there, mid-thought just when we were waiting to hear that she was no longer told that, but nothing has changed.

5. "I told a coworker if a gay ever came onto me I'd punch him. Now you know what I would do? I'd probably hug him."

Would you really?! If a girl came up to me I would probably say something to the effect of, "I don't play for your team, sorry, move on!" If you're not into it, it's ok to politely decline. None of this oversympathizing (yes I made up a word) we don't need special attention, we need to be treated like normal human beings. Thanks for trying, next!

6. "Society is moving in your direction"

Yes we know and we so appreciate your attempts to catch up, but you're a little late (Prop 8 ring any bells?). We know society is becoming more receptive and understanding of our community, but that isn't the fundamental issue here. There were people who accepted gays before this video, the problem is that people who are both Mormon and gay are still considered to be living in sin if they pursue any kind of same-sex relationship. That is the source of all the pain and anger among this demographic.

The Church needs to step in, not the members, to embrace these youth who are struggling and hurting. Tell them It Gets Better cause until the Church changes their religious doctrine they are condemning gays to a lifetime of loneliness or a lifetime of lies and deceit.

Musings on Mormon-dom

Hey y'all so I've been doing my homework... quite literally and I want to share with you all what this blog is gradually aiming towards, but first here is my hello to you for this week:

Not that this accurately describes the Mormon Church at all, but it does introduce today's topic...with MUSIC! Somehow music always makes it work better, think Joseph Gordon-Levitt in (500) Days of Summer

Warning: this article may contain some opinions; parental guidance suggested for audiences under the age of...well I don't know if there is an appropriate age for being able to have a mature discussion where you can agree to disagree (what a concept).

Anywho, if you've read my first post you'll remember that in addition to being gay I used to be Mormon (yes that was past tense).

But first I want to let you in on a little secret: before this blog I knew so little about gay people and more than that, believed I was one of maybe ten people that went through what I did before I decided to leave Mormonism.

I am such a bad gay: I don't have many gay friends and I avoid campus LGBT support groups like white after Labor Day. I never took time to read what's going on politically and socially...until now. In the last month, while researching the intersection of homosexuality and religion, I am stunned at the amount of resources out there for what I thought to be a narrow demographic.

So keeping in mind that I was Mormon and I am not anymore probably trips those bias detectors of yours, but hey it's a blog, take it or leave it:

See the message hits home when it's sung...remember you don't have to agree, you just have to pay attention!

I decided to leave because I couldn't stand being in Church (for three hours...) every week worrying that someone would find out, being told that I was going to hell, feeling constantly out of place. I definitely wouldn't recommend it...But as I said I have just started a research project on this very topic as the media devotes more attention to Mormons with Prop 8, Mitt Romney, and yes the 9-time Tony Award winning musical: The Book of Mormon (shown at the start of the post)

Though this may sound counter intuitive, bear with me: Being Mormon and being gay are like the same side of a magnet, you can push them together, but it is not advised. In theory Mormons and gays are opposites, but the old adage does not apply, opposites most definitely do not attract.

This doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong. I bear so much no ill will toward the Mormon community. Here is a video that I found in my exploration that I whole-heartedly agree with, there is no anger just a recognition of the fork in the road between these ideas.

But what I really want everyone to see is focal point for my research paper:

I give them sooooo many brownie points for trying, but if we're watching the same video then odds are you are more depressed than before the video started...This is the opposite of what the It Gets Better Campaign was going for.

This leaves us with limited options:

1. Stay in Church and stop being gay
2. Stay in Church and lie about being gay
3. Leaving the church...

None of these options sound appealing, but for now that's where we are.

This isn't to attack the Church I belonged to for 18 years, as Nick says in the Far Between video the Mormons teach principles that any decent person would strive for, they just need to catch up in this one issue (maybe a few others)...I will talk more about the last video next time, but let's try something new: why don't you watch and tell me what you think first and then I'll respond. 

But I've probably exceeded my generation's ever dwindling attention span so for now I will say adieu!

The Slow March Towards Equality...Led by Justin Bartha

    Today begins with a big huge shoutout to Justin Bartha!

And it's not just because he's cute! I know…some of you are thinking wait he's not gay what does the National Treasure, Hangover star have to do with this blog?!

The answer: He is on NBC's The New Normal a show that finally focuses (not features) on a gay couple and the target audience isn't only gay people, who'da thunk. I have seen all three episodes of this first season and have been impressed with this show's casual attitude towards things like the ever so complicated on-screen gay kiss. In fact there have been three episodes and they have kissed at least three times. Now I also want to mention that I am not always a fan of Ryan Murphy's blatant use of stereotype and overdramatization (See Glee Season…well I guess every episode can be used as evidence in my case), but this show is proving to be a must watch, I def (def adv: abbreviation for definitely meaning it is certain) recommend it.

Anyway shows like this are starting those conversations. When Bristol Palin (at this point nothing can explain this family and what their issues are) accused President Obama of watching too much Glee after he made a public statement supporting the gay community, I thought first of all that's false, and second who cares. These shows did not put ideas into the mind of one of the most powerful men in the world, they simply gave exposure to the issues and whether it was a political strategy or not he took a brave risk in coming out as an ally to gay people.

These shows (no matter how stereotypical and inaccurate) are at least giving some air time to gay characters and as each generation grows more allergic to books and reading media is a powerful tool for brainwashing young people progress.

Anywho back to the kissing…it took Glee 38 Episodes to put a gay kiss in so already The New Normal is sending a clear message…IT'S NORMAL, so stop freaking out about it!

This is again why I love Justin Bartha, you gotta love a guy who is comfortable enough with himself to kiss another dude in front of the American public, which still produces people like the aforementioned Bristol, a pillar of moral strength with a teenage pregnancy and, if The Onion is to be believed a mother who has undergone at least 15 abortions…yikes! (just in case y'all don't know The Onion is completely fake! So the abortions were a joke, but Bristol has actually earned a spot on Teen Moms).

But you see what I'm saying media holds the key to public opinion and I'm proud to see networks stepping it up with shows like:

Girls
    1.    Glee
    2.    The New Normal
    3.    Modern Family
    4.    Partners
    5.    Glee
    6.    Grey's Anatomy (My favorite show!)
    7.    Nurse Jackie
    8.    Happy Endings
    9.    Smash
    10.    Revenge (my favorite show when Grey's Anatomy ends…sad day)
    11.    American Horror Story
    12.    Game of Thrones
    13.    Downtown Abbey
    14.    Pretty Little Liars
    15.    The Vampire Diaries
    16.    The Good Wife
    17.    White Collar
    18.    The Secret Life of the American Teenager
    19.    True Blood
    20.    Damages
    21.    Mad Men
    22.    Gossip Girl
    23.    Bones
    24.    House
    25.    Degrassi: The Next Generation (Sorry not sorry)

P.S.     There are obviously more but it takes up too much space and I thought it would be cheating if I listed all of them

P.P.S.    This list is again from the site that keeps on giving, that gift to students everywhere: wikipedia

The general trend in media has shown increased visibility and acceptance for the gay community and I hope that this leads to acceptance in the real world as people shed their fears of what they may not understand.

Tune into the New Normal everyone, and you rock Justin Bartha! (Can I get paid for all the advertising I'm doing for the show?!)

"Marriage is What Brings Us Together Today"

Today's fun fact is brought to you by 'Merica 'Home of the Brave':

 

Here's the deal guys: I'm a dork, I. Love. America. I am taking a class on American literature and we are reading the Declaration of Independence and Thomas Paine's Common Sense and it makes me want to jump in the DeLorean and go back to 1776. Or maybe I can just watch National Treasure!

People wrote better, they thought better, they cared more…THEY DIDN'T HAVE FACEBOOK.
But then I realize I would have been almost two centuries too early for the civil rights movement and I guess we're still waiting for the gay rights movement to complete its long journey towards equality. Make no mistake Lady Gaga has single-handedly blazed a trail 10 steps beyond where we were before a certain little diddy: Born This Way. But legally we are not anywhere the equality that is supposed to be…what was it?…oh yeah…an 'unalienable right.'

But (according to wikipedia) only 6 out of the 50 states in the US recognize gay marriages (isn't it comforting to know that we're already only 12% there!) The funny thing is 5 out of those states were in those thirteen original colonies that created America in the first place (I'm counting Vermont because it was part of New York back then). The Puritans and Quakers have even progressed faster than the rest of the country it seems. This country was founded on religious principles starting back to Plymouth Rock (and let's face it they haven't always got along with the gays).

Still states like California, which doesn't have the same ties to strict religion as its New England counterparts, and is home to San Francisco AND Los Angeles (holla West Hollywood!), can't keep the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage.

 

 So today I wanna focus on legal issues. (I told you the Founding Fathers wrote better back then)

First a history of Prop 8 Since California is currently holding its breath for the Supreme Court's Decision
    •    In 2000 it was Prop 22 that sealed the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman.
    •    Then in May 2008 it was declared unconstitutional by the California Supreme Court
    •    Not to be outdone the new Prop 8 was put on the ballot that same year and whataya know it was passed again in November, giving only a six month window of equality til the door was once again shut.
    •    Then Judge Walker overturned it in 2010!…But a stay was ordered. (yeah I don't know what that means either. Basically: they have been passed the case around until it reached the US Supreme Court)
    •    The US Supreme Court is scheduled to discuss it at their conference on September 24, just 10 days away!!!

The whole gay community is holding its breath waiting to hear if the struggle to love who they want is over. It is so much more anticipated because of that brief moment of sheer joy when we thought the long wait was over in California. I remember when Prop 8 was declared unconstitutional I think I put some facebook status to the effect of:
  
    "Now that we can, somebody marry me!"

*you'll have noticed by now my affinity to exclamation marks!)

I naively thought that because something is declared unconstitutional it can't possibly be a law…I expected the immediate rush of the crowd to the nearest chapel doors for all gay couples ready to take that next step in their relationship. So…since that wasn't the case and still isn't the case I will be waiting with thousands of others to see if this time they can get it right.

The gay community is not trying to destroy the sacred institution of marriage, only join it. They're not trying to force everyone out and get exclusive rights to marriage, we just want to join the party. Share the love!

Well This is Awkward

So I started out with a joke last time, but the truth is I'm not that good with jokes…(sorry, not sorry) so this time I'm just gonna tell you a story how's that?

I lived on an all male floor my freshman year in college and I made a firm decision: I wouldn't announce my sexuality to my floor mates on my own, however if any of them asked I decided I would tell the truth. It's college I wanted to finally become the person I wanted to be, gayness and all...problem! No one ever asked me…

Today I wanted to focus on social situations and how to handle them, cause clearly that was a fail.

Though I'm sure they noticed my higher-than-is-normal-for-a-guy voice, my love of both Julia Roberts and Kelly Clarkson, they never said anything and neither did I. It wasn't until the day before we all moved out for summer that somebody asked…

Here's the thing: that's when they told me they had been wondering all year long if I was gay or not.

So here is the question: If gay people don't feel comfortable announcing their sexuality like it's their favorite color, and straight people are too uncomfortable to ask, then how do you bring it up in casual conversation?

Let's examine both points of view:

1. The Gay
Let's assume they are comfortable with their sexuality and have started the coming out process, their friends know and everything's cool. Then they go to a new place, which means new people that don't know you…the proverbial square one. Now I have to find some way to bring it up, but I don't want to be 'the gay guy' I have many other interesting qualities (you haven't met me so I guess you're gonna have to take my word for it). This is where labels and stereotypes get tricky. Yeah I'm gay, but my favorite movie is The Devil Wears Prada and I don't drink coffee (that's the ex-mormon side coming out) don't you want to know all of that too? That is exactly why I don't wear a stamp on my forehead or greet everyone with "Hey nice to meet you. I'm gay. What's up with you?"

2. The Straight
They arrive at college living on a floor with a bunch of other dudes from all over and they meet someone who is a little different. Their voice is not as deep as everyone else's, they walk with a little more swing in the hips, and to top it off they have a shrine to Beyonce' in their dorm room. Picking up on these queues they have gone ahead and labeled them as gay…But how to proceed? You can't just ask someone if they're gay. What if they're not? What if they're in the closet? It's not politically correct to blurt something like that out? What if? What if? What if?…

This is a situation I clearly have not mastered, but I want to know if any of y'all have been on either side of this awkward situation. It unfortunately shows that as comfortable with yourself as you can be and as open to other people's sexuality as people can be there is still a taboo or apprehension with being gay or the subject of homosexuality.

Here is the dilemma:
The gay person has the right to self-disclose because it is such a personal issue. So does this mean that the other person should wait until they are told?

However it is the other person who is going to react to the news in some way, which puts pressure on the person who is gay. So is it the other person's job to make the person feel comfortable about saying anything in the first place?

So I throw it back to you all how are gay people supposed to be themselves socially and publicly without announcing it to the world? and should straight people feel uncomfortable just asking? Whose responsibility is it to start these conversations so that a year doesn't go by without really getting to know someone? Is being politically correct even helpful if we are afraid to talk about these things?